I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
