Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
