absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize