He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
