It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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