New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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