Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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