One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
