he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
3 2 1 whiskey
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
