she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
