my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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