Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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