Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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