Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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