You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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