Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
