is your mom at the bar?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
