you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
