he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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