how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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