Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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