I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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