In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
