my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
