i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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