call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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