You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
we're so committed to being not committed
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
