If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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