Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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