I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
