You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
