Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I love you. Go after that dick
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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