highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize