Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
