I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
