My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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