the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
