Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
