fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
