this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
