I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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