You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
too bad you live with your parents still
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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