hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
