The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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