I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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