Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
