I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
