What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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