I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
