aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
