Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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