Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
