So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
