Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
