my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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