And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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