Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(513): View more from Ohio

god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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(503): View more from Oregon

i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice

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(815): View more from Illinois

Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.

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(361): View more from Texas

Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?

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(775): View more from Nevada

He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min

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(602): View more from Arizona

Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.

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(323): View more from California

Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.

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