i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
