Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
