Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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