so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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