Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
