T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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