I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
A+ Viking dick
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
