Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
