I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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