Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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