News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
