thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
