If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
